Sword Song: The Isle of Destiny Series Page 11

  “Should we bunk together? So Declan doesn’t feel the need to hide again like he did last night?”

  “I wasn’t hiding,” Declan said from behind her, making her jump. She thought she’d be aware of his presence by now, since her skin seemed to tingle when he was around, but he still continued to sneak up on her.

  “Seemed like it,” Sasha said, unable to resist needling him.

  “I was standing guard,” Declan said stiffly.

  “So you saw Clodagh pack up and leave and said nothing?” Sasha demanded.

  “There was nothing to say. It isn’t my job to question the motives of those who have served their purpose and wish to leave quietly. I told you she was protecting her clan. I would have done the same. Why are you so focused on this?”

  “Because she abandoned me. Again!”

  “You need to get over this abandonment stuff,” Declan declared and Sasha’s mouth dropped open. Maddox let out a long low whistle and made himself scarce.

  “You don’t get to tell me what to do. I’m finished with this conversation. Leave me alone,” Sasha declared, her hands gripping the tent poles so tightly she was amazed they didn’t snap in half.

  “I won’t leave you alone,” Declan said, “and you will finish this conversation.”

  “I most certainly will not. What you’ll finish is putting up these tents,” Sasha tossed the poles at him and he caught them reflexively, his eyes flashing danger at her. “I have to use the toilet. I’d like privacy.”

  With that she stormed away from him and around the corner of the wall that offered shelter from the most bracing of the wind’s chill. She walked headfirst into the wind, allowing the cold to numb her cheeks and to calm her temper as she stalked up the hill to another part of the castle, where she knew she could relieve herself in private. Not that she really had to go, but she damn well would, now that she’d made such a fuss of it.

  Who did Declan think he was? He was trying to constantly force these conversations on her or make her think about things that she didn’t want to discuss. If he was her destiny, well, she certainly wasn’t interested in having herself dissected like that for the rest of her life.

  No, she thought as she slipped through a small alcove into a sheltered hall with a grassy knoll on the other side. Not interested in the least.

  Chapter Thirty-two

  Declan paced, having set up the tents at lightning speed as he waited for Sasha to return. A part of him had wanted to follow her, but he knew when to give a woman space. Sasha had been bristling with anger and her need to be alone, so he had let her go. He hoped he wouldn’t regret that decision.

  “Bianca, can you just go check on Sasha? She went up the hill to the alcove to use the bathroom,” Declan finally asked.

  Bianca nodded, disappearing around the wall without a second question. Seamus watched her go and then met Declan’s eyes.

  “She’ll be safe, right?”

  “I believe so. The wards and protections we put up should hold,” Declan said, and Seamus nodded. Maddox slowly stacked the firewood, using his knife to snap off bits and pieces to use as kindling until he had a little pile of wood shavings with a smaller teepee of sticks covering it. In moments, he had a cheerful little blaze going and had settled next to the fire, ready to tend to it and make sure it grew to a nice bed of coals so they could cook with it.

  “Why are you forcing her to talk about things she doesn’t want to talk about?” Maddox asked. Though the question was mild, Declan could read the underlying protective tone.

  “Can’t you see that’s the quest?” Declan asked and both Seamus and Maddox paused to turn to him.

  “How so exactly? I mean, I know we discussed her as a conduit perhaps for allowing the Danula to help or to go to the next level as Bianca mentioned, but what exactly are you saying?” Seamus asked.

  “We’re searching for the Sword of Light. Which is also known as the Sword of Truth. If the person who has to find it can’t be truthful with themselves, then how are they ever to find it?” Declan asked, feeling like he was connecting the dots for children.

  “Ohhhhhh, well. Now, isn’t that interesting,” Maddox murmured and Declan almost threw up his hands but caught himself in time. No need to look like a dramatic woman, he thought, as went about sorting their rations and getting the beginnings of a basic Irish stew together.

  “You think if you push her to work through her personal stuff, the sword will be revealed? Or its location will be?” Seamus asked.

  “I don’t know if it will work like that exactly. But I don’t think the sword will even remotely reveal itself to anyone who doesn’t stand in their own personal truth. And until she lets go of some of her hang-ups, she’ll never get there.”

  “Which makes you push her. I thought you were just doing it because you loved her,” Maddox said, standing and crossing his arms over his chest as he met Declan’s eyes.

  Declan read the challenge for what it was – a stand-in for a brother or a father, clearly asking what his intentions toward Sasha were.

  “Aye, I love her. I have my whole life. It is only her for me. But I must wait until it is the right time to claim her. Or we will sacrifice the mission.”

  “Why? What could possibly make you think that?” Seamus asked, his face flashing confusion as he began to slice carrots onto a plate balanced precariously on his knee.

  “I feel like I will be betraying my oath if I allow sex to distract me from the mission. I can’t let down my guard,” Declan said patiently, as though he was explaining to an addle-minded man.

  “But you just said it was love. It’s not just sex,” Maddox said.

  “It’s not. But you’re meaning sex and the consummation of a relationship. I won’t go there until the sword is found.”

  “But what if it won’t be found until you stand in your own truth?” Seamus asked. Declan stopped dead while Maddox let out a low whistle.

  “I am standing in my truth,” Declan said softly, his words a challenge.

  “Are you? You’ve told her you love her?”

  “She knows she’s my destiny,” Declan said, his hands clenching around the potato and knife he held.

  “I don’t hear the word love in there,” Maddox said.

  “Perhaps there is more to the puzzle than just what Sasha has to work through,” Seamus said, his tone cheerful, “Hand over the potatoes if you’re just going to hold them, or we’ll never get food on tonight.”

  Declan absentmindedly handed him the potato as he thought about what they’d said. He was certain Sasha knew he loved her. That’s what it meant when you told a woman she was your destiny. Right?

  “Ah, feck,” Declan swore and both men laughed.

  “Ah, feck, indeed,” Seamus said.

  Chapter Thirty-three

  An hour later, they crouched around the fire, some sitting on folded blankets, others on a log that Declan had dragged in from somewhere. The fire crackled merrily, its light dancing across the mossy stone walls behind them. Had the fate of the world not been on the line, Sasha might have been able to relax and enjoy the moment more.

  Instead, she stayed tense, watching and waiting for the next thing to be sprung upon her. And the one making her the most nervous, aside from the possible appearance of the Domnua, was Declan himself. Ever since she’d stormed off and returned, he’d been overly attentive. Even now, he watched her across the fire, a new gleam in his eyes. It made her think that he wanted to peel back another layer, which was exactly what she didn’t want to happen. Ignoring his look, she dug into the stew Bianca had just ladled out for her.

  “For a basic camp stew, this is quite good,” Sasha said to Seamus.

  He nodded at Declan and said, “Declan’s deserving your thanks, as he’s the one who flavored it.”

  Of course the man cooks. Sasha almost rolled her eyes, but refrained.

  “’Tis good,” Sasha said, gesturing with her bowl at him. There. She’d been nice.

  “Thanks,
I made it with love,” Declan said, his voice laced with heat, and Sasha did roll her eyes then.

  “Dial it back, okay? I’m not mad from earlier. Just let it pass,” Sasha said, deciding to address the elephant in the room.

  “It is interesting that you’re so prickly toward me if you’ve let things go, as you say,” Declan said.

  Sasha looked down at her stew. “I didn’t realize this stew came with a side of attitude,” she said, lifting the bowl and pretending to look deep inside it.

  “The attitude’s only coming from you, babe,” Declan said and Sasha could feel her anger begin to boil. It was a good thing her dagger wasn’t in her hand, as she might have been shooting fire bolts without meaning to.

  “Don’t ‘babe’ me, buddy,” Sasha said, her eyes meeting Declan’s over the fire. The flame reflected in his as he watched her carefully.

  “Sooo, I’m just going to interject here,” Bianca said cheerfully. “As much as I love to watch drama, I’m thinking we need to remember that we’re all on the same team here.”

  “And I think if Sasha wants to be on the team, then she needs to start opening up. It’s quite clear that we will keep throwing ourselves in the line of danger until she lets go of some old wounds. It is what the Sword of Light means – it is the Sword of Truth. The Seeker can’t find it unless she is first truthful with herself,” Declan said.

  He spoke in an even tone, but his words felt like little bullets, each one hitting its mark, until Sasha wanted to just close her eyes and crawl into her tent and pretend that none of this was happening.

  “Honestly, I think this is all a bunch of shite. It would make zero sense that generations of Seekers would all come down to the last Seeker before the curse ran out, having to be truthful about love or loss or whatever in order to find the sword. Think about it – there has to be something much more significant to finding this sword than my own personal issues. It’s too... messy,” Sasha said, finally deciding on the right word.

  “Fae love tricky things though,” Seamus said, holding his hand up to stop her from speaking again. “Also, you must understand the mercurial nature of cursed objects. They change, meld, absorb energy, or the curse takes new meanings through the centuries. It is part of what makes fae magick so fascinating, and also so difficult to deconstruct. And I think we were given a major clue with what happened with your parents. I’m sorry that this is uncomfortable for you, but we can’t ignore it. It would be foolhardy to do so.”

  It irked Sasha that Seamus might be right. But what bothered her even more was what Declan had said – about repeatedly leading her friends into danger because she was unwilling to take a chance on opening up about her own buried issues.

  “Show of hands how many people here think this is the key to finding the sword,” Sasha finally said.

  She was not surprised to see all hands raised around the fire.

  “You swear you’re not doing this just because you want to hear the dramatics of my life?”

  “I mean, I do love a good drama. But not when I know it is going to hurt my friend to tell it,” Bianca said gently. It was probably the most perfect thing she could have said to put Sasha at ease.

  “Here, this may help,” Maddox said, rummaging in a satchel at his feet and then pulling a bottle of Middleton from his bag.

  “Aye, you’re right at that.” With no cups to be found, they ended up passing the bottle around, each taking a swig or two. Sasha let the heat of the whiskey warm her throat, trickling down until it settled into her core. She pulled the blanket tighter around her and stared into the flames, the wind sounding hauntingly like long-lost lovers calling for each other over the crashing waves.

  The sky was clear, which made the light of the half-moon seem even brighter, yet oddly colder, as though the white light competed with the warm yellow glow of the fire. Sasha ignored the waves and the wind and the moon, and looked deep within the flames to where the hottest part of the fire danced in blue streaks. She’d always identified with fire. There was something about the all-consuming nature of it – the take-no-prisoners aspect – that the warrior in her respected. It wasn’t entirely surprising to her that her gift of magick was fire.

  “Well, we know abandonment is a big one. Which, for any kid raised as you were, is fairly normal,” Bianca said, nudging the door open for Sasha.

  “Do you just want me to talk about all the things I have issues with? Because that could take days. Like, for example, I hate that all the paper towel holders in bathrooms are too high for me and when I reach up to pull a towel the water runs down my wrists and under my sleeves. Every time.”

  They all looked at her like she was slightly crazy before breaking into laughter, which eased some of the tension that had tightened Sasha’s shoulders. She rocked her head back and forth to loosen herself up a bit and then smiled as well.

  “See what I mean?”

  “I’d say maybe stick to the big ones. Like, it’s obviously about love, abandonment, resentment, anger... you know, the things that trigger those kinds of feelings for you.”

  Sasha scrubbed a hand over her face and took a few calming breaths. These people were her friends, and if Declan was right about her continuing to lead them into danger because of her inability to open up about these things, well, she had a duty to perform then.

  “Well, I think I worked through one of them already, when I was talking to my parents. I’d say some of that was anger and some of that was resentment. Which I suppose can be both sides of the same coin. And maybe I have a new perspective now on what they were dealing with and how I might have been a difficult child to connect with. So I don’t know if we need to unpack that one too much more.” Sasha shrugged and Bianca passed her the whiskey again.

  “Abandonment sure seemed to set you off earlier today. What about that one? You’re scared to be alone?” Declan said, and Sasha glared at him through the flames.

  “I am most certainly not scared to be alone. Hell, I’ve been alone for a while now. I’ve lived a lot of my life on my own – especially in a family that didn’t understand or accept me for who I am. And that’s the crux of abandonment issues. It’s not that you’re scared to be alone; it’s that you wonder if you are going to be good enough for other people.”

  The wind kicked up even more and Sasha tugged the blanket around her, hating this moment.

  “Of course you’re good enough,” Bianca said. “You’re amazing. I’m proud to call you a friend.”

  Sasha smiled at her but shook her head.

  “It isn’t like that. It’s more... will someone love the real me? See me for who I am? The good and the bad? And still stick around? And unfortunately, I’ve yet to really find that.”

  “Hey,” Maddox said, his expression hurt across the fire. “I’ve stuck around.”

  “Yeah, and we’re here,” Seamus said.

  “You guys haven’t known me that long. But Maddox has, and I’m sorry, you’re right. You have been there through all my bitchy moods. But see how tricky these issues are? Now I wonder if you would have stayed if you hadn’t been tasked with protecting me.” Sasha shrugged helplessly under the blanket as hurt crossed her friend’s face.

  “Nobody made me protect you. Yes, it’s been an honor being close to you and being able to help. But I wouldn’t have done that if I didn’t love you. Bitchy attitude and all,” Maddox said evenly.

  Sasha felt her heart constrict as his words registered. “I’m not trying to offend you, please know that,” she said softly. “It’s just the mind tricks that I play on myself.”

  “And then your fiancé cheated on you. So you view that as abandonment, when it actually has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him,” Declan said evenly.

  Sasha drew back in surprise. “Um, nice way to try and reframe it, but I’d say it has everything to do with me. Clearly I wasn’t meeting his needs.”

  “Or clearly the guy’s simply a horse’s arse,” Seamus said, shaking his head. “Sorry, Sas
h, but I don’t buy that for one bit. If someone cheats that is their problem – their issue. Something is intrinsically wrong inside them and they go seek out something else to fill a void. But ultimately, they’ll never be happy until they fill that void themselves or fix what is broken. It’s a coward’s way to leave a relationship. It causes too much hurt. Every man should have the integrity to stand up and say ‘I’m unhappy and need to leave’ instead of lying and sneaking around. That says a lot about the character of the man, though – not about you. You could be the best girlfriend in the world and if the man is broken, you can’t fix that. You’ll never fix that. He needs to fix himself. It has nothing to do with being good enough. In fact, you were probably too good for him and tried to help him for too long. But don’t take that blame on you. That wasn’t your choice and certainly wasn’t your fault.”

  “See why I love this guy?” Bianca said, leaning over to plant a big kiss on Seamus while Sasha just stared at him, dumbfounded, across the fire.

  “And all this time I kept thinking it was me. Something I could’ve done differently,” Sasha said.

  “Aye, you could’ve done something differently,” Declan said, and Sasha jerked her head up, eyes narrowed at him. “You could’ve picked a better man. That much you can own.”

  Sasha opened her mouth to spit anger at him – because what did he really know? Then she shut it and took a deep breath.

  “You’re right. I could’ve picked a better man. I guess I didn’t see the signs when I should have. He was broken long before I got there and while I did what I could to help him learn and grow, ultimately, until he fixes himself he’ll remain broken.”

  “And a horse’s arse,” Seamus reminded her.

  Sasha physically felt a loosening inside of her, as though something was clicking open, and releasing. Similar to the flood of anger leaving her body earlier that day, a weight seemed to be lifted from her shoulders.